Top 40 'Things Said On Christmas Day' - EVERY Year!

Top 20 Statements, Comments & Questions At Christmas time 1 This single cream seems to be thicker than the double cream 2 Who's gonna pull this cracker with me? 3 Put your Christmas party hat on, you miserable git. 4 Where did you buy your crackers?, they're really good. 5 Do you want stuffing, Grandma? 6 Calm down you kids, you're all over excited! 7 That was you, you filthy pig! 8 What's your joke, Brian, what did you get in your cracker? 9 It's a shame to throw the paper away, isn't it? 10 The Queen's on in a minute, Mum! 11 I would give it a few minutes before you go in there - phew! 12 You won't eat all that, put a small amount on…you can always come back for more. 13 Chocolate anyone? 14 Does your mum still take sugar? 15 The turkey's lovely, isn't it? 16 Can someone pass the sprouts? 17 Don't you like Christmas pudding? - how strange. 18 You don't like mince pies? - how strange. 19 Who's gonna eat the sixpence from the Christmas pud? - ha ha ha 20 Where did we go last year, love?. 20 Comments, Statements & Questions At Christmas time - From Children 1 Daddy, can you build this for me. 2 Mummy, can YOU build this for me. 3 Daddy, have you got a screwdriver 4 Daddy, have you got any of this size battery 5 Mummy, Jenny's just done a poo and she didn't wash her hands. 6 Mummy, I want some more 7 Daddy, Jenny's just hit me 8 I DID hit her back, look, she's on the floor. 9 This is the best Christmas I've ever had 10 Can I open another present? 11 What time is Aunty Wilma coming up? 12 Have I got any more presents to open? 13 I didn't WANT clothes 14 Mummy, I've just kicked your drink over - again. 15 I spy with my little eye - um - I don't want to play anymore. 16 Can I have another drink? 17 Mummy, Jenny's just tipped a bowl of custard over the cat. 18 Mummy, Daddy's just swear'd. 19 Daddy, this just broke off 20 Mummy - I feel sick!

Comedians Of Tomorrow

People say you’re funny. You’re always making people laugh. It’s something you enjoy doing and when people laugh it is the ultimate reward. You fell like you understand comedy, and now you want to take it to the next level by becoming a professional comedian. But, being a stand-up comic and comedian is a lot different than making a joke and waiting for your friends to laugh. With comedy, you need to be conscious about the audience, learn about stage presence, and write jokes that have a universal appeal. Yes, being a comedian can be tough, but it is also rewarding. Here is some advice on what you need to know to become a comedian. Develop your Persona. Think about all the popular comedians out there. Each successful comedian has something really distinctive about them. Chris Rock. Dave Chapelle. Adam Sandler. Dennis Miller. When you hear these names, you can automatically picture what they are, what they say, and exactly why they make you laugh. It is worth your while to do the same. As a beginner, it may take a few tries to find your signature persona. Test it in front of an audience. Ask for critiques wherever possible. Refine and tweak your stage presence until you’re happy with the results. Different kinds of comedy. Understand that there are several different kinds of comedy. Knowing what they are will help you train accordingly. Do you prefer improve comedy, standup, or would you rather act in a comedy movie or a sitcom? There are plenty of other options, too. Once you understand what type of comedy you would like to do, you can set goals and create a plan that will help you achieve success. Attend comedy classes. As you will soon learn, standup or any other types of comedy don’t come naturally. Sure, you can have the raw talent, the knack for timing, etc. But, you also need assistance understanding the different forms of comedy and how to best use them to your advantage. When you take a comedy class, you can learn all of these things and get some help from a master comedian. In addition to enjoying a shortened learning curve, you will also have the opportunity to interact with fellow comedians and get feedback. Practice makes perfect. Write and practice routines in front of people you know. Attend standup amateur nights. Basically, get as much experience as possible so you can get comfortable in front of people. Practice in front of the mirror. Time yourself so you can know how long your routines are. Change and adjust your jokes until you are happy with them. After you do all this, you are ready to start performing in front of people for money. Enter contests. Entering contests is another great way to get exposure and practice your routines in front of people. No matter if you prefer standup or improve or something else, there are comedy contests for it. You can also enter amateur nights. Some of these may also have a prize. The benefit to these is that professionals may be lurking in the audience looking to spot new talent.

A World In Love With Jokes

Judging from the listings in our Abillionbooks online bookstores, the whole world is in love with jokes, and books of jokes to such an extent, well, almost as much as it loves Paris Hilton. But what jokes exactly? We did a random search at Abebooks, that new and usedbook giant that changed the face of the book trade worldwide, and came up with some interesting results. Using the keyword “jokes”, it was an eye-opener when Abebooks found 54540 books involving listed in its database. This was kind of strange in a way. When last did you check out a friend’s book shelf at their place? We are prepared to bet that books of jokes did not feature much, if at all. Most likely there were relationship books, car manuals, sports books, glossy novels, a gift books, unopened textbooks. Perhaps there was a ragged cartoon book at the end of the shelf and one in the bathroom. So what are all these listed joke books exactly? At the bottom of the price range ($1) we found Spongebob, Rugrats, Dumb and Dumber Garfield and hundreds in the 101 Jokes series: 101 Vacation Jokes, 101 Telephone Jokes, 101 Pet Jokes – you get the picture. Some jovial publisher obviously figured out also that the entire world loves a good joke or more than a hundred preferably. It is interesting too that so many of the books of jokes in this price range are aimed at kids. Books containing “Children’s good clean jokes” is a recurring theme here. At the $15 level the joke books are more adult (O’Brien and Fitzgerald Walk into a Bar: The World’s Best Irish Jokes) and edgy (the “Extremely Gross Jokes” series). And here’s a joke for you. Our search threw up “The Joke” by Milan Kundera. Funny huh? Then there is the fabulously interesting title “The Jokes of Sigmund Freud: A Study in Humor and Jewish Identity” by Elliot Oring. Not a joke book to take to the pub perhaps but you can feel the laughter well up even so. Then I came across the title “I Give you Texas! 500 Jokes of the Lone Star State”. I have always had a yearning to live in Texas although I know very little about it. I reckon Texan jokes should tell me all I need to know. So I got sidetracked and ordered the book. Of course there is a dark side to the joke industry – the academics who Take It All Very Seriously. Consider the title “Rationale of the Dirty Joke: An Analysis of Sexual Humor”. This kind of title should not really be thrown out by a search for jokes. It’s not fair and it’s not funny. At the top of the price range ($100 and more) there were interesting discoveries, such as an album of 50 saucy not blue postcards from World War II. My grandpa had some of those. Published in Poland in 1931 was “I Laugh at You”, in Yiddish, by Joseph Tunkel. Mr Tunkel left Poland in 1939 when the laughter stopped. For $300 you can have David Henry Thoreau’s “Cape Cod” in two volumes, reportedly Thoreau's sunniest, happiest book. It bubbles over with jokes, puns, tall tales, and genial good humor, the bookseller says. If you are prepared to stump up $77 500 dollars for a laugh, you can have the complete autograph manuscript of Chapter 23 of “A Tramp Abroad” by Mark Twain. It was the most expensive that came up under the search term “jokes” on Abebooks. The bookseller supplies a painstaking description of the item (revisions, repairs, smudging, fingerprinting and all) and says: “The subject of the chapter is, in large part, reminiscence from Twain's days as a printer's apprentice. Nicodemus Dodge, a seeming yokel from out of town, is hired at the printer's shop where the young Sam Clemens is working. The locals hope to make Nicodemus the butt of their jokes only to find (as Twain notes in a phrase that was ultimately deleted), that they ‘had fished for a sardine and caught a whale’ “. The old jokes are often the best.

Nifty at Fifty

I tore open yet another long white envelope and pulled out the contents, the predictable “Still Nifty at Fifty” stared at me from the gaudily coloured card with its inane cartoon face leering up at me. I opened it to discover it was from Jill, my neighbour. Sighing, I placed it alongside the array of good wishes from other friends and relatives. They all showed middle aged females in varying forms of decomposition, apart that is, from the one with its lurid fluorescent green badge proclaiming “fifty and proud of it”. On balance, I thought I preferred the decaying women. On the mantelpiece, alongside the wedding photograph of me and Brendan on our wedding day, was the picture of our daughter, Randy, and her new baby, Isabel. Although I was thrilled to be a grandmother, and loved the baby to bits, psychologically, being “granny” is very depressing. It conjured up pictures of white haired old ladies and knitting, something I had tried only the once with such disastrous consequences that I had never again picked up a knitting needle. I went back to the bedroom to get dressed. Remembering the article I had been reading the previous evening about cosmetic surgery, I heaved my ample bosom up to see whether a boob job would make a vast difference to the effects of fifty years of gravity. Looking in the mirror, all I had succeeded in achieving was a soft pillow for my second chin to rest on. Oh well, I would just have to stick to the Gossard balcony bra to provide the necessary scaffolding apparatus to contain my curves. Perhaps I should try a tummy tuck, but another glance in the mirror confirmed my fear that even an industrial fork lift truck might have a problem heaving all my wobbly bits into the right places, and that would only be after serious liposuction! I opened my underwear drawer and pulled out my comfortable and sensible knickers. How on earth today’s young girls managed to cope with thongs was beyond me. You couldn’t even work out which bit to put your legs into without the aid of a labelled diagram. I comforted myself with the thought that Hugh Grant had been turned on by Bridget Jones’ big pants. I walked down the stairs for breakfast, depressing myself by wondering how long it would be before I had to think of installing a stair lift to make this journey. Wandering into the kitchen, I pulled a bowl from the cupboard, and emptied the end of a box of bran flakes into it. These were chosen carefully by me at the supermarket for their high fibre content and added vitamins designed to stave off the inevitable age related medical conditions. Pouring on the low fat milk, I marvelled that once upon a time my body had actually coped with full fat dairy milk and cocoa pops. As I picked up a spoon to eat I opened her copy of FIFTY magazine which was lying on the table, having arrived this morning as a birthday present joke from my friend Tina. I had finally given up on Cosmo when it started to make me feel inadequate both in the kitchen and the bedroom, especially when it combined the two activities and suggested uses for chocolate I hadn’t contemplated even in my wildest fantasies. I had switched to “The Domestic Female” as a less threatening alternative; gloomily I thought I might now have to make do with FIFTY. Crunching my way through the bran flakes, thinking about how long it might be before my teeth protested and I had to settle for sloppy porridge instead, my eye was caught by an article about fifty year old women and incontinence. “Dear God” I breathed, not that as well. For the cost of a postage stamp, you could receive one free continence pad. Quickly I flipped the page over and started to read about “planning for the funeral you want”. I hadn’t realised that fifty was so far advanced that I had to plan my funeral. When I turned the page and read “Have you made your will?” I decided to put off any further depressing news for another day. Being fifty was obviously a very serious time of life. Putting my hand in my pocket, I pulled out the one letter I hadn’t opened yet. I didn’t open it at once; I knew exactly who it was from. It was from Wilkins, the garage in the next town. My new car was ready for collection today. I had ordered it months ago, when the kids and Brendan had suggested that as I was nearly fifty, I get herself a more sensible car than my sporty 206. I had listened very carefully, and taken their words to heart, going to the garage that very afternoon and ordering my new vehicle. I had negotiated my way to a very good price, and had received a year’s tax and a manufacturer’s warranty. Brendan told me how sensible I had been. Now the day had arrived for its collection, appropriately enough my 50th birthday. I walked into the garage and signed the paperwork. Mr Brent, the salesman, opened the car door for me and I climbed in. Leaning back in the seat, I started the engine. The bright red sports car purred as my foot went down on the accelerator. I sped onto the motorway and soon touched 100mph. Exhilarated and laughing to myself, I opened the bar of high fat milk chocolate and turned up Radio One as loud as I could. Blow it, fifty – who cared. I pressed the button for the roof to go down and tossed my greying hair laughing as the wind caught it and blew it around my fifty year old face. Fifty was definitely a state of mind I wasn’t going to enter into just yet!

Tony Blair Sends Nick Faldo and Posh Spice for British Sailors

As every criminal investigator knows, the way to get a confession is through threats and bribes. As every politician knows, the way to get filthy rich is by towing the line of your major contributors. An Archduke is a rank below King but above Duke. For Americans who forget their British roots, a Duchess is the feminine of Duke and an Archduchess is the feminine of Archduke. On June 28, 1914 Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife Sophie were visiting the wounded at Walter Reed in Sarajevo, Austria. At 11 A.M. Gavrilo Princip shot Sophie who died instantly. Then Gavrilo Princip shot Franz in the jugular vein and he died minutes later. Doctor Joshua Perper ruled the deaths accidental. These assassinations have gone down in history as “The shot heard round the world” because they were the trigger for World War 1. Leonard Franklin Slye was a singer and American cowboy actor who changed his name to Roy Rogers. Roy Rogers’ third wife was Dale Evans. Roy Rogers rode a golden palomino named Trigger. Dale Evans’ horse was named Buttermilk. A Triggerette is a trusted assistant on the rodeo circuit. Fanny Sunesson was the caddy and Trigerette of 3 time Masters Champion Nick Faldo. Posh Spice aka Victoria Beckham is the wife of football soccer star David Beckham, the captain of the English National Football team. The MLS is the Major League Soccer League of the United States. The MLS has teams in American hotbeds of soccer such as Salt Lake City Utah, Columbus Ohio, Foxborough Massachusetts and Carson California, the home of the Carson Chivas and the Los Angeles Galaxy. The Los Angeles Galaxy recently signed David Beckham to become the Messiah of American Soccer on a five year contract worth $50 million dollars per year including endorsements. Unfortunately Spanish football star Jesus Garay Vecino was unavailable. George Bush is the former owner of the Texas Rangers. George Bush said, “I never dreamed about being President. When I was growing up I wanted to be Willie Mays.” Unfortunately his father married Barbara Bush and not Diana Ross of the Supremes. The Supreme Leader of Iran Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is waiting for the two Muslim Messiahs Jesus Christ and the Mahdi to conquer the world for Islam. In order to bring on the advent of the two Muslim Messiahs Ayatollah Ali Khamenei must trigger the Apocalypse. In order for George Bush to bring on the advent of the Messiah Jesus Christ to conquer the world for Christianity, George Bush must trigger the Apocalypse, nuclear world war 3. In other words both Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and George Bush are suicide bombers and you and I are caught in the crossfire. God helps those who help themselves. This is why Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is building nuclear bombs in Iran. His faith in the might of Allah is not absolute. He is not counting on Allah parting the Persian Gulf. Likewise the faith of George Bush in God the Father aka God of Mount Sinai aka Allah in Arabic is not absolute. He is like Jesus in the Garden of Gesthemane pleading “Father please take this cup of Chivas Regal from my hand.” George Bush is wondering how God the Father aka Allah could leave him floundering in Iraq for over four years with the greatest military force in history brought to their knees by 19 guys with exacto knives. The time has come to bring Rollie Fingers in from the bullpen to save the game for Manchester United. Nick Faldo and Posh Spice are in Tehran today at the behest of Tony Blair arranging the release of the 15 British sailors recently captured by Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Richard Armitage recently disclosed to Robert Novak that Nick Faldo and Victoria Beckham are covert operatives of MI6. Prior to leaving, Posh Spice told Harvey Levin of tmz dot com, “The fate of life on earth depends upon the safe return of Prince Harry and the other 14 British sailors. If they are killed, George Bush and Tony Blair intend to turn Iran into a radioactive sand trap. If I have to I intend to sing, dance and perform for every Imam in the Muslim World. Nick Faldo is bringing his handheld golf gps caddie to prove to Ayatollah Ali Khamenei that Prince Harry was in Iraqi waters when he was captured and that the Iranian Navy had their yardages wrong. Unfortunately much depends upon the health of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. If his cancer is at a late stage he may want to be here for the Apocalypse and he may decide to sink the American Aircraft carriers with his Russian Sizzler missiles. In that case I will sing “Goodbye” from the Spice Girls’ “Forever” album.”

Female Muslim Sexologist On TV; Proves More Popular Than Al-Qaeda

A female Muslim sexologist named Heba Kotb now has a TV program called “Big Talk,” where the courageous pioneer discusses sex in as normal and healthy a manner as she can dare to in her excitable part of the world. A conservative Muslim herself, the irrepressible Egyptian lady actually has Muslims talking about such taboo ideas as sexual positions, female orgasm, and oral sex, which, she says, is permitted "since there is no religious text banning it." Her program has apparently become the talk of her sexually veiled society. She has, in fact, proved to be even more popular than Al-Qaeda, as usually represented by one madman or another ranting about murdering innocent people as a perverse means of persuasion. "It's a beautiful thing what she is doing," commented Abier El-Barbary, a woman who is a psychotherapist and a faculty member at the American University in Cairo. "It's a long overdue topic tastefully done.” Let’s wish her luck. When sex is part of the discussion, it appears that the injunction to “make love, not war” may have, even in the Middle East, a fighting chance.

Some of the Humorous Latest Sardar Jokes

If you visit Indian and some neighboring countries of it, you’ll hear lots of bone tickling jokes. And among all funny and humorous jokes you’ll certainly hear Sardar jokes. These Sardar are the residents of Punjab (one of the state of India), they are famous for their jokes which are very humorous. It is hard to locate when the first Sardar jokes was said or who was the first one to say those jokes but the jokes regarding them are still very famous as they were in the past. People enjoy Sardar jokes more rather than other jokes. In these jokes the behavior of Sardar are reflected in humorous manner so that they sound funny and create laughter. You might be wondering as what are these Sardar jokes… Here are of the latest Sardar jokes: Once a Hindu, a Muslim and our dear Santa Singh were standing together . An Englishman came up and asked, “Hey guys, what is your favorite flower?” The Hindu replied, ‘Lotus’ ‘Ha, I clean my shit with that!’ the Englishman jeered. The Hindu got angry, the lotus being our national flower. The Muslim replied: “Chameli” ‘Ha I clean my shit with that!’ The Englishman response The Muslim also got angry but kept quite. The Englishman asked Santa, ‘Sardarji, and what is your favorite flower?’ Patriotic Santa replied: ‘Cactus! and replied, “Now clean your ass with that!” ----------------------- Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room. Jasmeet: “What are you searching for?” Santa Singh: “Hidden camera!” Jasmeet: “And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?” Santa Singh: “That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, you are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?” ----------------------- Banta Singh wants to celebrate his wife’s birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says: Let’s put, “you are not getting older you are getting better”. The salesman asks, “How do you want me to put it?” Sardar says, well put “You are not getting older”, at the top and “You are getting better” at the bottom. The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: “You are not getting older at the top; you are getting better at the bottom”. ----------------------- These were some of the funny latest Sardar jokes. You can find a huge collection of these jokes on web. These jokes are really a good opener of laughter. So if you are lonely and bored, don‘t hesitate to find some latest Sardar jokes on web and have fun reading them.